March 23, 2004
The Invincible Dog and How I Hate it So.
I actually like dogs. Just not usually in my movies. Normally everything putters along just fine until Fifi shows up and tilts the script on its ass.
However, nothing infuriates me more than the "Invincible Dog" syndrome. You know what I'm talking about. And you hate it too. If you don't, you should. In fact, you should be shot, and then you should. In that order.
Let me generalize this syndrome for you. Take a barely survivable situation. Guns fights are popular, settings of massive Act-of-God type destruction are even better. Take only a handful of people who are barely surviving themselves. Allow Hell to bubble over in an Industrial Light and Magic Orgasm of chaos, whatever it may be. Kill every cast member that only has a first name and a couple more in the ethnic minority. Cover everyone else with blood or soot or dirt. Cue barking. Barking.... Barking of the stupid animal, that SOMEHOW, through explanations you'll never receive, looked at life, death and Satan right in the face, and wiggled out untouched - without the benefit of an opposable thumb even. This drives me batty. I can't stand it. A dramatic device so obvious and so overdone, I can't believe it isn't outlawed. Its Hollywood's version of the Hip-Hop singer that still rhymes "...hands in the air" with "...like ya just don't care".
Folks, please help me here, because I know there's a LOT more, but I'm sick right now and can't think of anymore. But these films are the worst films of Invincible Dog Syndrome I could think of...
-Independence Day - Granted, we all need our little time out to make sure that Rover is out-running the 50 storey wall of fire that's careening down a tunnel at alien technology speeds. Oh look! - The doggy dodged the tower of white-hot, car-melting gases by half an inch! He's FINE!!!!. Kill me.Look at how long this is! I'm shutting up!
- Dante's Peak - Okay, It gets worse. And do me favour, if we're ever fleeing a river of molten lava, fresh out of the gusher, and I BACK UP, to rescue a puppy - g'head and punch me in the balls. No please. I deserve it. I mean granted, in this case, their jeep was using 2000 degree resistant gasoline, and tires unphased by a river of hell, but who cares? Wel'll just let the plausible world remain on hold while we gently beckon for the stupid dog, to heroically leap into the jeep, so we can then safely drive off into the sunset where we can dwell in bedtime stories laced in bullsh-t all night long.
- Speed 2 - By the end of this sentence, I will have already donated too much time to this movie than it deserves but-- YOWZA. Take a boat. Increase the size of this boat to about a football field. Make this football field drift on water at top speed. Now send it crashing into shore so hard, that'd it would probably give James Cameron a stiffy. Now, all of this destruction does some mighty good damage (especially to the cardboard buildings that are too painfully obvious.) Squash an uncountable amount of cars, maybe a few slow old people,and take out an entire city block. But what's this? that white car... is that? is that? Yes it is!! Fifi's Okay!!! that 25,000 ton boat's a bloody feather for Fifi!! Way to go Fifi, you stupid, ugly lame excuse for a character!! Get a thumb.
- Daylight - Nothing touches this one. Never have I been so infuriated by a dog's survival than this. You're guided through hours of treacherous underground holes that are barely maneuverable by humans and just as they're about to make it........, the dog they left behind HOURS ago, must've been watching the film, took notes, and caught up to them, all by his masterless self. People had to MAKE me not shut the movie off at this point.
Posted by John Campea at March 23, 2004 08:24 PM
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Comments
Posted by: Herby at March 24, 2004 02:44 AM
Yeah dude. Dog causin troubles? Ka-boom. No more problem.
No one ever did that to Benji though. Don't know why...
Posted by: Day-Vuhl at March 24, 2004 02:46 AM
I do hate that people cheer on that dog more than the human souls in peril. People can die, not the cute puppy. Thats inhumane. Where is your heart?
But some genius in hollywood raises above puppy sympathy and we have Jurassic Park 2:The Lost World.
TRex stomping about in suburbia...cue yappity flea magnet keeping up the neighbours by barking at the 3 storey dino (which somehow goes unnoticed save by one little boy)
Suddenly, the barking is silenced. Ah, sweet heavenly peace. Cue dino raising his head with the doghouse hanging from its chain.
Yay for TRex. Still king in my world. Doggy goes byebye.
Posted by: Rodney at March 24, 2004 09:30 AM
You want puppy angst (which I was goin to include but the article was getting too long)..
Granted, it's not a movie, but you need to see the 'League of Gentlemen', not to be confused with the silly comic and movie, Leauge of EXTRORDINARY Gentlemen.
The "Regular" 'League of Gentlemen' and their completely whacked black comedy BBC Television series commits such untruthful crimes on dogs, I nearly pissed myself for a year.
Posted by: Day-Vuhl at March 24, 2004 10:57 AM
And you haven't seen season three yet. Or two, for that matter, if I recall correctly ...
Posted by: Bubba at March 24, 2004 12:12 PM
What!??! Day-Vuhl!!! I'm not so much angry as I am disappointed.
Posted by: KungFuGuy at March 24, 2004 03:03 PM
Yeah, still recovering from the Christmas Special, what can I say...
Posted by: Day-vuhl at March 24, 2004 04:30 PM
No mention of what I feel is the best cannine croaking. In "A Fish Called Wanda" 3 pooches bite the dust, the final dead dog deed as the best. The concrete slab squashing the poor pooch as his mistress continues to walk with the expandable leash, and then slowly walking back.
John Cleese said he got more nasty letters about the dog, then he did for killing off the old lady.
Posted by: Herby at March 25, 2004 04:09 AM
Well, that's cuz, in the mighty words of Homer J Simpson... "...Old people are useless."
Posted by: Day-vuh at March 25, 2004 11:33 AM
Oooh ... I'd forgotten about Wanda ... those are good sequences ... but trust me, they're nowhere close to the poodle death in season one of League of Gentlemen, which incidentally is the only season of this fine show available domestically in North America. Trust me, it's well worth picking up ... really twisted stuff ...
Posted by: Bubba at March 25, 2004 12:49 PM
I find it so strange how well British "of the wall" comedies do in America and Canada. Especially something as weird as the league of gentlemen. Im British and even I dont understand some of the Humour. Have you guys seen The Office?
Posted by: David Terry at March 26, 2004 09:10 AM
Well, League really didn't do very well over here, thus only the one series on DVD. Fox tried it out and it didn't sell, so that was it. Critics liked it but I guess there just weren't enough people around who remembered the old Hammer horror films to really get the jokes. Not that I remember the old Hammer films myself, I just find something inherently hilarious in melting toads, glasses of urine, exploding poodles and men in full body female nude suits. But that's just me.
I've seen a good chunk of The Office and liked what I saw a good bit ... it just one a Golden Globe over here and is getting massive critical praise ...
Posted by: Bubba at March 26, 2004 11:15 AM
I saw Ricky Gervais golden globe speach, it was great. All the pretty people americans cried and took it oh so serious, Gervais was just typically British about it all, and the Americans loved it. That show will be remembered with Fawlty Towers and Monty Python in years to come
Posted by: david terry at March 26, 2004 11:49 AM
I have always been a brit-com fan. From Fawlty Towers to Black Adder to Red Dwarf (WHEN'S THE MOVIE COMING OUT). I have yet to see League of Gentleman, but I will definatly check it out.
Posted by: Herby at March 27, 2004 11:36 PM
Yeah check it out in specialty shops.. It's a tv series, so look in that section.. Wacked out stuff man, comedy as dark as hell. And remember, you ARE a local. Word.
Posted by: Day-Vuhl at March 28, 2004 12:57 AM
Dogs are disgusting!
Posted by: anna at June 21, 2005 12:14 AM
Makes you yern for the days of "Old Yeller", doesn't it?