Revenge Of The Sith Script Condnesed
Holy crap I’ve just spent the last 20 minutes pissing myself laughing while reading this. It’s a condensed screenplay for Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith. You’ve GOT to give this thing a read. Here’s an excerpt:
INT. SOME WEIRD OPERA THING
You seem worried about Natalie dying. Also, you’re confused about being a Jedi.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
They don’t want me to fuck Natalie Portman. That’s insanity. Did you see her in Closer? Holy fuck.
IAN MCDIARMID
Did you know that those who embrace the Dark Side have a lot of powers that Jedi do not? For example, they can influence that midichlorian bullshit to create life.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Create life? Wait, are you implying that my supposed virgin birth was-
IAN MCDIARMID
And they can stop others from dying.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Stop others? Like, if someone force chokes them and they start to die because of it hours later?
IAN MCDIARMID
Yup.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
That’s distracting enough that I’ll not bother following up on the other thing you said.
Ok, I just wanted to throw this one in there too:
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN arrives.
Wow, you really can absorb force lightning with a lightsaber. Someone really, really needs to tell Luke that. Anyway, Ian, I think Samuel is about to rip you a new one, mind telling me how to save Natalie real quick?
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Fuck that, I’m killing this geezer now.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
You can’t. He must stand trial. Killing him now would be… er, well it would be exactly the same as when I killed Christoper Lee in the beginning of the movie.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
You’re actually right, but I’m going to kill him anyway.
HAYDEN stops him and IAN throws him out the window, a fall which no PARTIALLY ELECTROCUTED JEDI CAPABLE OF SUPER-JUMPING could possibly survive.
What have I done?
(pause)
I submit myself to your will, Ian.
IAN MCDIARMID
That was fast. Well, now that you have taken a single, somewhat justifiable step toward the Dark Side, there’s no turning back. Go kill all of the Jedi in the temple, including the children.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Right, go kill the children. Got it.
IAN MCDIARMID
Well, kill everyone, not just-
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(leaving)
On my way to kill all of the children now! Whee!
He DOES. The CLONE TROOPERS kill most of the adult Jedi, while the challenging task of murdering children can only be undertaken by the DARK LORD OF THE SITH.
Oh my sweet goodness. This thing is hilarious. You can go read the whole freaking thing here. Thanks to DarkKinger for the heads up.
11 Comments, Comment or Ping
Rod
Thanks for the link, John. I’ve been a long-time reader of the Movie Blog. Imagine my surprise when the RSS feed I check showed a link to my own script. ;)
Thanks again.
Aug 17th, 2006
Lou_Sytsma
Isn’t this franchise dead? ;)
Aug 17th, 2006
Meli
LoL, that second part posted is even funnier than the first! I’m on my way to read the whole thing now….
Aug 17th, 2006
Chris
wow you just dicovered this John?
I’ve been reading his condensed scripts for a while now. I read that one around when the movie came out and it still puts me to tears.
Aug 17th, 2006
Phil Gee
Yeah Rod Hilton’s stuff is all gold. Make sure you check out his other scripts for the prequels. His one for Phantom Menace is how i first discovered his work.
Aug 17th, 2006
wolf
Awesome site.
HUGH JACKMAN
So, James and Famke are dead, Anna Paquin is cured, Nightcrawler is absent, Ian McKellen is cured, Rebecca Romijn is gone, most of the memorable villains have been killed, and the X-Men are being led by the star of Gothika.
Hilarious. One good point on that site was, why not just use Leech or use the cure to stop Jean? Instead of killing her.
Aug 17th, 2006
Alfredo
Here’s the ending to the matrix Reloaded.
KEANU REEVES
Just answer me one question. We’re not going to find out that the real world is in another matrix, are we?
THE EXPLAINER
Christ I hope not.
KEANU leaves and flies to save CARRIE-ANNE MOSS from being shot. She is SHOT anyway. Then KEANU reaches into her matrix code and pulls out the bullet in a comical fashion.
CARRIE-ANNE MOSS
That was preposterous.
KEANU REEVES
Wait till you see what I do outside of the ship.
THE CREDITS roll, as DISC ONE of the soundtrack is played in its entirety.
Aug 17th, 2006
DarkKinger
Man, I love these scripts!
Oh, if you LOVE this one, you will DIE laughing from the Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes script. Mark Wahlberg is PRICELESS! And if you LOVED (or HATED WITH ALL OF YOUR HEART) the ending from the movie, the one in the script will top as the GREATEST PLOT TWIST EVER (LOL)!
I hope a ‘Snakes on a Plane’ script will come soon! [-)
Aug 17th, 2006
ineedtogetlaid
Starwars lives forever… inside me…
The Matrix was the most confusing thing ever. I hated the third one.
Aug 17th, 2006
dropship wolesaler
I’m waiting for it too.
Aug 18th, 2006
Edward Lee
Erm … sorry, but I’m still WAITING for it to get funny. Does that happen soon?
Aug 18th, 2006