I fail to find the words to open the review of the vilest sequences of celluloid frames ever assembled in Film and Television history.

Oh sure, you sit there all chuckling in your stupid little chair thinking I’m just trying to make it sound funny and terrible.

Begging your pardon: This movie makes me hate being alive.

If you think I’m kidding, just pause a moment: There MUST be a reason why there’s a Full Length Star Wars movie out there that you’ve never seen - or, for that matter, even HEARD of - the answer? Quite Simple: Because George Lucas doesn’t want you to. 25 years ago, on November 17, 1978, this blasphemous symphomy of vomit smeared its way into living rooms of new-born Star Wars fans everywhere - marking the commencement of the world’s largest, simultaneous mental rape ever experienced on planet Earth.

Oh sure, it aired on television, but this ain’t no “30 minute” deal - This sucker ranks in at roughly an hour and 35 minutes; putting it well into the “feature length” category - Add in the commercials, which, in contrast was like occasional 4 minute glimpses of the Virgin Mary, and you’ve got yourself 2 hours of the most unwatchable television ever devised by someone who got paid to come up with something. It took me, the man with nothing else to do, 4 DAYS to watch this. I couldn’t bear it in segments longer than 8 minutes.

You’ll age 26 years in that time, and you’ll soak your sofa with all the urine that you’ll piss yourself with as your brain slips in and out of shock. The only conceivable way this movie could be worse is if it actually GAVE you cancer. In fact, it just might. Wow, cancer and the Star Wars Holiday special - I almost shot myself just typing that.

Most of this charade is a Pantomime done by Chewie’s family (yes, family) that have apparently been heavily influenced by mid-20th century Western Culture. The mom wearing an apron cooking dinner, the child nagging the grandfather relaxing in his easy chair, it’s pretty amazing.

You see the story is this: Chewie has to get home in time to celebrate “Life Day” - he’s running very late because Peter Mayhew had to stay behind and beat the crap out of his agent. That’s basically it. The majority of the film is in Chewie’s family’s house. Their 15-minute long growl conversations are split up with the following:

Phone calls to:
- Art Carney (yeah, the Honeymooners guy)
- a very pretty Luke Skywalker who’s make-up artist obviously slipped into a trance while applying it
- and to Princess Leia whose “Danishes ” look a little bigger this time.

And Useless, time-filler segments consisting of:
(keep in mind, these “segments” aren’t comedy - and I’m not just saying that. They are played out in a way that you’ll swear they accidentally left the camera rolling -because you’ll start wondering WHY the HELL you’re looking at what you’re looking at.)
- A horribly choreographed ribbon-dancing-like routine. Looks like the Special Ed class of Cirque du Soleil on a chessboard. (lasts 2min 42sec)
- A cooking show with a hyper fat-lady character dressed in purple with 4 arms - (lasts 4min. 5sec.)
- A trippy performance of Jefferson Starship - yeah that’s right - a rock video in the Star Wars universe. (lasts 5min.:30)
- a virtual-reality machine giving Chewie’s dad a Cyber-fantasy with Diahann Carroll - I’M NOT KIDDING. (lasts a painful 6 minutes, 55 seconds of her just standing there, fading in and out)
- a cartoon that Chewie’s kid watches. (this cartoon could be considered the “best” part of the film - but only in the way that the best sh*t doesn’t have as many flies on it. - it’s the first time we meet Boba Fett.) - lasts a killer 9min.45sec)
- an Imperial “Promo” film on “The Life on Tatooine” - this lasts an untruthful 13 min, 25 seconds.

Besides any other little stupid gags I missed, that’s 42 minutes and 22 seconds of NOTHING. Absolutely nothing. The already limp (if existent) storyline gains about as much input from the above list as George Lucas’ actors get acting direction.

Wrap the event up with a solo from Princess Leia. Yes, a solo of love and peace. As in Singing Solo. A Christmas *ahem* “Life Day” solo.

And no, I won’t tell you where to get it. I’ve also never told anyone which cliff is best to leap from.

I now submit I have done more research into this film than anyone currently residing in the Western Hemisphere. I feel empty.

I am a shell.

Holiday Special Images

Apparently, I’m not friends with the right people — I don’t really know what to make of these guys, sometimes I’m determined to think that some of them are making stuff up. — Other times, I wanna beat them up. As it seems, a few people have squeezed (I prefer “whored”) into LOTR: Return of the King almost three weeks before it opens. Losers.

Ain’t it Cool News has three LOTR: Return of the King reviews posted — a few of them are more cleverly written than others, but, no surprise - they all loved it. Jerks.

Here they Are: Read ‘em if ya want, beware spoilers.

- Review 1
- Review 2
- Review 3

I’m gonna go grumble a little bit more… It sure is a good thing I don’t care about seeing the wildly anticipated, Return of the King 3 weeks before anyone else - in a big theatre - in a special screening - just for me — I mean, that must’ve sucked. I’d rather be knitting. So there.

In the rash of old TV shows being made into feature films, this one looks like one of the more interesting offerings. I think Clooney is a terrific actor (even if some of his films have stunk worse than old cheese and Pauly Shore).

As an interesting side note, FilmForce.Net is also reporting that George Clooney is also looking at playing Hannibal in an A-Team film. Now THAT would be a film I’d paid to see! (Gee√¢‚Ǩ¬¶ can you tell I’m a child of the 80’s?)

According to The Internet Movie Database (via WENN), George Clooney wants to star as the big-screen Magnum P.I. Universal and Imagine Entertainment are developing the feature film version of the hit TV series that ran on CBS from 1980-88 and starred Tom Selleck as mustachioed Vietnam vet-turned-Hawaii private dick Thomas Sullivan Magnum. Screenwriter Michael McCullers (the Austin Powers sequels and the forthcoming Thunderbirds) is scripting the film version…

The site says that Magnum P.I. hopes to lens next year and “will feature the brand new $800,000 Ferrari Enzo sports car in place of Magnum’s classic Ferrari 308 Gts.” The IMDb adds that “the identities of who will play Magnum’s side-kicks Theodore ‘TC’ Calvin, Orville ‘Rick’ Wright and Jonathan Quayle Higgins III √¢‚Ǩ‚Äú played by Roger E Mosley, Larry Manetti and John Hillerman in the TV original √¢‚Ǩ‚Äú are being kept top secret.”

You can read the whole article here

UPDATE December 15th 2003:: the Spiderman 2 Teaser Trailer is online! Click Here for the Little Version!!or Click THIS for the Wonderful Hi-Res Quicktime Downloadable Version

As if going to see Lord of the Rings: Return of the King wasn’t already amazing! The good folks at Counting Down give us this little bit of news:

Sony has confirmed earlier reports that the trailer for Spider-Man 2 will be attached to The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King on December 17th. It will hit the net two days earlier on the official site:

We’re excited to announce that your first look at the Spider-Man 2 teaser trailer is coming next month. The first theatrical target is The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King on December 17th, so many theaters will be showing the Spider-Man 2 trailer during the previews before that movie. But the experience begins on the web - starting December 15th, you’ll be able to watch the preview exclusively online! Visit sony.com/Spider-Man to watch.

Remember your first nightmare? - Not knowing what on earth was happening to your innocent little mind? - How about your first compound fracture? Your first slug to the face? How about this:

The first time TV media took its newest piece of warped cargo and spiked it so far up your butt, you didn’t crap for a year? I remember. That precious cargo was called “Babes in Toyland” - a made for TV movie from our generation’s year of Halley’s Comet.

There I sat. All young and happy. It was Christmas Time, school was out, the presents were piling, the snow had fallen, the living room smelled like Christmas Tree Pine, the music was playing, the parents didn’t hate each other - you know, regular happy time stuff. As Christmas Day neared, I would spend my days sledding and then warming up by the woodstove watching a myriad of Christmas specials as images of joy and goodwill danced before my young and, as of yet, un-raped eyeballs.

Then the soft glow of the TV emanated “Babes in Toyland”, brutally violating my optics in the process. Here I was, a kid at Christmas, feeling alone and frustrated because people obviously on the crack, had stolen a chunk of my holidays.

I distinctly remember having a joke with my brother about “Babes in Toyland” - we only needed to mention the movie’s title, or suggest we watch it again, and we’d peel out laughing. - Because as if anyone who doesn’t like slamming their privates in a door would do such a thing.

Looking back, I’m amazed that a Christmas movie, intended for a young audience could garner the results it did - Children HATING it to the point of tears, when they are just barely old enough to critique a movie in the first place. It takes a special movie with special people to come up with rubbish of such special caliber. Short bus type special.

Here we go: you’ve got your Drew Barrymore and your Keanu Reeves and a few other people that you old folks might remember from “Soap”. Basically, there’s this blurry flaccid-storyline nonsense followed by some sort of accident or dream-like state. Suddenly everything looks like the rainbow went ahead and barfed on everyone. The bad guy basically wants to take over “Toyland” and Neo has to stop him - something about some chick marrying him instead — Like ANY child caught onto that. What really happens is just one long, archaic suck-pot. When it finally ended, I had already started puberty. For a TV movie, it’s REAL long: 2 hours and 20 minutes - add commercials on top of that and you’ve got 3 hours of doing ANYTHING else in life, like grooming the puppy, gone forever. (IMDB has it listed as 140 minutes, some VHS versions have 98 - this confuses me - but not enough to care.)

I hear Evil People still air this movie. Each year ’round this time, you may find it beaming from some lonely, backwash UHF station out in the sticks and being watched by some lonely, twisted man who’s only Christmas present is pissing on himself. The movie is that good.

I could, literally, complete 2 viewings of Superman 4 before getting through one viewing of this. And given the option, I’d prefer it.

Give yourself a Christmas Present this year and give this movie to all your enemies.

(Halley’s Comet passed us in 1986.)

Coming Soon… The Worst Christmas Movie. Ever.

From where I am, it is exactly one month before Christmas - and I present a glimpse into my soul - and bring you, in my humble yet startlingly accurate opinion, my list of the best Christmas flicks ever put to print. - Not just ‘really good’ ones, but the ones that over the years, have developed an extra “something” that you can’t do the season without.

Not a fan of Christmas movies? Not to fear, my reviews of the Worst are still coming…

First, The Best “Christmas Movie That Never Appears On Any Christmas List” Movie:
Die Hard (1988) -whether it be a “true” Christmas film list or a humourous Christmas film list, this one has never been on any - and I say for shame. Run DMC’s “Christmas in Hollis” and classics like “Let it Snow…” and “Winter Wonderland” adorn the soundtrack. Bruce Willis says “Merry Christmas” at least once, puts a Santa hat on a dead guy, and uses Christmas tape to assist him with putting a bullet through that guy’s head and also into Hanz. There, it’s a Christmas movie. Stamped it. Yippee-Kiyaay, Mother [Christmas language!]

Now, onto the ‘Real’ Christmas movies in no particular order:

A Christmas Story (1983)- We all know the tongue on the pole scene, and what that actor (Scott Schwartz) was doing until 2000 (naughty, naughty), but this movie is one of the few movies that simply tells a boy’s Christmas memories - that will, guaranteed, ring true for a stew of childhood memories for every guy out there. If anyone knows where I can BUY a lamp like that one, let me know. No, really.

It’s a Wonderful Life (1946)- Ranked #26 of the best movies of all time on IMDB, this movie is regarded by many, for all intents and purposes, as THE defining Christmas movie. It really could be for any time of year, but the discovery of what’s truly important is so explosive, it could only be delivered in the context of Christmas. Makes me cry every time.

“A Christmas Carol” 1951 with Alastair Sim (or “Scrooge” to some) - This is the ONLY version of this movie I endorse. Simply, and without question my favourite Christmas film, the dark, grainy, black and white picture gives Alastair Sim an ungodly feel and a creepiness that drips from your screen through the glorious mono sound. Absolutely nailing the stuffy, wracked life of a miser, Alastair Sim gives what is possibly my favourite movie performance anywhere. I won’t even argue this. Anyone who disagrees should be shot. Same goes for the guy who colourized this and It’s a Wonderful Life.

Scrooged (1988)- The only Modern version of the above movie that I have anointed with the honour of being watchable, and superbly watchable at that. - Bill Murray squeezes in some trademark humour and wraps it all up with a solid Christmas-defining monologue - and the Annie Lennox & Al Green “Put a Little Love in Your Heart” round-robin sing-along - which, in a number of theatres actually WORKED, put the closing credits over the top - I’ll never forget it.

Charlie Brown’s Christmas (1965)- Not a movie, but so required it can’t NOT be mentioned. Every year as a kid, I would scramble through the tv guide every week of December to find every showing of the Charlie Brown Special. The gang singing Hark the Herald Angels Sing will always be a defining Christmas moment for me, and made it one of my favourite Carols to this day. Linus’s monologue is the calmest reflection on the Meaning of Christmas monologues anywhere. Anyone who doesn’t like “The Brown”, should star in their own version of “scrooge” - which, as I mentioned, I wouldn’t endorse anyway. (Update: We’ve been getting lots of hits from people looking for Linus’ Speech, in which case, find the Good Book and look up the passage at Luke 2:8-14.)

How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Animated (1966). - Again, not a movie, but you simply must see it every year - they’re even selling the dvd of it cheap. Besides, it spawned a movie - which I still haven’t seen. - It would take an amazing movie on their part, and massive amounts of crack cocaine on my part for me to find it better than the animated version.

Oh sure, you’ll always have Miracle on 34th Street, that Frosty the snowman one - and the Rudolph special that looked like it was made by the David & Goliath people, but they plum don’t have that …. That…. Je ne sais quois that the others have. There’s just something a little extra in the above list that I can’t do without come this time of year. — Honourable mention goes to “Gremlins”.

Coming Soon… The 2nd Worst Christmas Movie of All Time…

Ok, for the record I think this movie looks more decrepit than Michael Jackson’s face. I came across this great quote from Wesley Morris of the Boston Globe:

“This is a D-list starlet’s movie, something that should have ended up in Denise Richards’s lap.”

Besides Robert Downey Jr. making a return to the big screen, I see nothing enticing about this flick.

Okay, so the Hellboy trailer is now online and it’s already killing people.

**UPDATE** The Trailer is now HERE in Quicktime format…

You Really Need To Go Here and see how forcefully well Hellboy could beat the piss out of your future.

You’re still reading this? Go Already!
Hellboy Official Website Here

Do You Have Any Idea How Many Movies You Could’ve Seen By Now If You Would Stop Supporting Lame Network Stations That Are Playing Nothing But Michael Jackson Anecdotes?

Enough Already. It’s Pretty Sad When The Statement “Get A Life By Staying Inside And Watching Movies All Day” Is A Self-Improvement.

Since Media Is Finally Not Looking, I Think Bennifer Should Get Married RIGHT NOW. Go.

If you think that the recent comic book movie phase has gone on long enough, you’re gonna be punching yourself in the crotch to deaden the pain come 2006. Marvel’s CEO boasted a lot of news today that ensures the comic book movie will be around for at least another 3 years - this phase of it anyway.

Let’s See Here:

- The Punisher (2004) will be Rated ‘R’ (14A or 18A in Canada) - I really think it should be, I mean, he’s a punisher. - Apparently a full trailer in the next month is expected.

- Fantastic 4 has been pushed back to summer 2005 - expect a wave of merchandise.

- Iron Man and Ghost Rider will be released in 2005 as well.

- X-Men 3 and Hulk 2 can both be expected in 2006

- So can lesser known Nick Fury, Iron Fist and Namor.

- He boasts “the best writers” are currently competing to write the best “Captain America” script.

So apparently, this comic book thing is just getting warmed up. Most of these I’m looking forward to - as long as the movie’s done well, I don’t mind. Super Powers are nice - especially mine.

For all of you massive Daredevil fans…. John and…… ummm…. .well, John: You’ll be happy to know that the Ceo of Marvel has announced that in April, they are releasing a director’s cut of Daredevil, in all of his logic and gravitational law defying glory.

Perhaps I should’ve let John do this post, because it would’ve been much more delightful and happy. I was indifferent about the film, but I don’t think the average general public member needs to be exposed to a Daredevil scene that was considered “not good enough” to be shown in theatres. It could stop a few hearts.

IMDB is currently reporting that Omar Sharif was so amazingly humiliated after “13th Warrior”, that he quit acting.

You have one terrible film if the experience of being involved with it, is enough to drive somebody out of the game — which, after I read it, sounds an awful lot like my last attempt at a relationship.

Plans are in the works to have a new Goonies movie and some rumours were flitting about that it was going to be called the GROONIES.
Aint it cool news reports:

Been poking around a bit on this whole “Groonies” thing… it just doesn’t sound right, and sure enough it isn’t. The current working title on the script by Michael (X2/CHARLIE CHAN/WAKE THE DEAD) Dougherty and his sometimes writing partner Dan (X2/IMAGINARY HEROES) Harris isn’t GROONIES, but rather… “GOONIES NEVER SAY DIE”!!! Now that’s a title! Turns that the “Groonies” thing all came from a misunderstanding from an interview with Richard Donner. You see, in the film the group of new kids in the story get the name of the original group mixed up and call themselves “Groonies” then are set right by the original gang. Apparently it is a one line gag in the movie.

So the basic plot of it is this: The new group is called the Groonies, because they happen to live in a town where [Data], the Chinese kid, lives … and he’s got an electronics repair shop and all the new kids hang out at his shop. He has this Chinese accent and when recanting old stories he calls the Goonies the Groonies, and so the new kids call themselves the Groonies, until they get into a situation where the old Goonies have to save the new Groonies, or vice versa.

The “groonies” thing doesnt stick long as they are soon corrected and get the proper homage in line. Its told to include Cory Feldman and this may likely be the only way this creepy Corey can get work is to star in sequels to those 80’s movies when he was popular. The only other noted and most accomplished Goonie alumni would be Sean Astin (Lord of the Rings)

I am a pure 80’s kid at heart, but I am not sure how I will feel about the return of old Goonies and their Muppet Babies Generation Y counterparts. Could have some of the magic of the original, or it may come across as a cheap attempt to cash in on some nostalgia.

FRESH OUTTA THE KNUCKLEHEAD DEPARTMENT: Well, Disney is griping again - this time it’s about something that would have been so painfully obvious, some flashy executive has no right to complain. Here comes my Disney rant, ready? GO!

Okay, now: let’s play along here for a second:
Are You:

- a bizillionaire fat-cat that sits behind a desk and tells the public what movies to watch?
Did someone bring to the table a movie called “Bad Santa”?
Did You Say “okay”?
Did it get made?
And are you ticked off that the movie made Santa look… oh poopsie, what’s that word.. ah, yes…. BAD?!?!

If you answered yes to all of these, then: You Are a Mental Fart. — Or you work for Disney. Or both.

According to Ananova.com, Disney finds the notion of a “drinking, f*cking Santa Claus” (ie: BAD) as bad. (see? Am I not making fantastic sense here? how is this a shock?)

Here’s the thing: the film is made by Miramax (owned by Disney) - who also released Kill Bill and the Scary Movie series! Scary Movie?? I’m sorry, what was that “appropriate” nonsense you were babbling about? Sure, the argument: “But this is bastardizing Santa! An icon of childhood joy!!” is valid, but to that I say this: IT’S CALLED “BAD SANTA”, WHAT IN BA-HOOBIES WERE YOU EXPECTING?? Bad-SMELLING Santa!?!? Geez!! Give me your uber-cash salary, and I’ll do your blasted job FOR you.

But even still, look at the big picture Mr. Freud: The movie’s trailer says: “And now, a hopeless kid, and a Santa nobody liked, are teaching each other a lesson… The naughtiest guy in town, just might discover, how to be nice.” You’ll have to excuse the filmmakers for assuming that you’d catch onto the bigger picture and THE FLIPPING TITLE!!

“Nothing appears sacred, anymore, this is just not in the spirit of Walt Disney,” is what a ’source’, is reported as saying. And to THAT, I say this:
- Where was your sacredness when you kept bastardizing my childhood stories? Remember the Little Mermaid? the Hunchback of Notre Dame? Yeah, they all DIED! They lost!! Whatever happened to teaching kids that life can sometimes be a bucket of piss? I spent days and months dwelling on the fate of the Little Mermaid, and wondering “what if she’d done this?” — but Disney makes everything all fluffy and forgettable. Sigh. But I digress.

Lastly, I say two quick points: 1) the movie is rated R anyway!!!, - So was Scary Movie!! It’s not FOR kids, so WHO FLIPPING CARES?!?! (Maybe the studio knows that kids get into Rated R movies anyway, but perish the thought they do something about that — too much revenue to lose)

And 2) as final proof: Go HERE AND WATCH THE TRAILER and try not to laugh.

I don’t know why someone, in the past 15 month period, chose to inject us with a wave of surf movies (GET IT?!?! ..shut up..) but there’s another one coming.

Billabong Odyssey is a documentary about a really hyped-up Surfing competition, the only one of its kind…

I gotta admit I have no interest in seeing this, and I know nothing about surfing (something to do with enjoying my flesh being shark-tooth free), but you have GOT to see this wave this guy’s riding in the last shot of This Trailer.

Aside from Return of the King, the film I am easily most looking forward to over the coming months is Troy. The film looks like a grand scale epic that we just haven’t seen much of over the last couple of years. The cast also look amazing! Brad Pitt, Orlando Bloom, Peter O’Toole (shame on you if you don’t know who he is. Only one of the greatest actors in history), Eric Bana (The Hulk), Sean Bean (Boromir in Lord of the Rings), Brian Cox (Stryker in X-Men 2), the list goes on.

The visuals are looking fantastic as well. You can see the trailer by clicking here.

Here’s a little excerpt about the film:

‘Troy,’ the epic tale of the Trojan War first told in the Greek poem, The Iliad. Brad Pitt stars as Achilles, a born-warrior who leads a ferocious battle against the Prince (Orlando Bloom) who has stolen beautiful Helen of Troy from the king of Sparta — and set in motion a legendary battle that would rage on for over a decade.

The new trailer for Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban is on the web now and you can see it here.

I enjoyed the first Potter film. The second one I thought was a little dull and to be honest I’m not looking forward to seeing this third one at all. I’m not sure why that is, but I’m sensing a small yet growing apathy about the Potter franchise (at least when it comes to the films).

The movie will undoubtedly make over $200 Million, but I doubt it will clear $300 million. Time will tell. Perhaps its too early to be making such predictions since the first reviews aren’t even in yet. What do you think? Are you looking forward to this one? Will it be good?

The new Russell Crowe flick Master and Commander opens tonight, and I can’t wait to see it. I personally think Crowe is one of the best actors of our generation and the genre of the high seas seems to be a winner too. Yahoo Movies gives us this short look at what the critics are saying so far:

Critics Reviews Average Grade: A-
Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Eleanor Ringel Gillespie
“Masterful and commanding.” B+

Chicago Tribune, Michael Wilmington
“…probably the best movie of its kind ever made.” A

filmcritic.com, David Levine
“Master and Commander is a masterpiece.” A

Hollywood Reporter, Michael Rechtshaffen
“Masterful direction and commanding performances make this epic voyage highly see-worthy.” A

Right off the top I should mention that Elf was NOT what I was expecting it to be√¢‚Ǩ¬¶ and that’s a good thing. I thought it was going to be one long slapstick Will Ferrell flick. Although SOME of the film was that way, in reality Elf is a simple family Christmas film, and a pretty good one at that.

Don’t get me wrong, Ferrell is definitely Ferrell in the movie. He totally has no pride whatsoever (which is what makes him hilarious) and pulls off some great physical humor in the film. And even though there was no mature content in the film at all, I found that Ferrell was more like himself in this film that he was in Old School.

The last 20 minutes of the movie were terrible, but not bad enough to erase all the good stuff that was there up to that point. Bob Newhart was wonderful as Ferrell’s adopted Elf father. James Caan was a little out of place. Caan is too good of an actor to be taken at face value in such a simple little cute movie and just didn’t fit in.

Overall, Elf was enjoyable. Not a Christmas classic, not great, not a must see, but definitely worth your time and price of a ticket.

Yes, Antonio is back. I don’t know how I feel about this. I really enjoyed the first Mask of Zorro film. I thought it was cute and Anthony Hopkins was AMAZING in it. But the story was told. It was done. I’m not really sure why they feel the need to go back to it. Are Antonio Banderas and Catharine Zeta Douglas Jones really just hard up for a hit film? I don’t know. Teletext reports the following:

Antonio Banderas has revealed that the Mask Of Zorro sequel will be “deeper” than the first film. He said: “Steven Spielberg said to me, ‘We want to make more of an adult movie, talk about more of the human stuff and the relationship between you and your wife’.” Banderas added that the film would still contain stunts and would probably begin shooting in March in San Miguel De Allende, Mexico

Something else that worries me about this project is that fact that it looks like Anthony Hopkins is also returning for the film. Ummm√¢‚Ǩ¬¶ didn’t he DIE in the last one?!?! I love Hopkins, but to have him back in the sequel (even if it is just for some flashback scenes) is just a pathetic stunt to put some “name” power in the film. This suggests that the story won’t be strong enough to stand on it’s own. Oh well, time will tell.

Granted, the premise of this film sounds absolutely ridiculous, but one must admit that it also sounds like it’ll be a lot of fun. The good folks over at FilmForce have reported the following:

The new poster for the big-screen adaptation of Mike Mignola’s Hellboy recently arrived online over at the film’s official site.

In other Hellboy news, writer-director Guillermo Del Toro recently
posted a message on the site’s message board announcing that actor David Hyde-Pierce (Frasier) will be voicing merman Abe Sapien in the film.

In the comic-turned-film, Hellboy is a demon who was conjured up by Nazis using black magic during the last days of World War II.  As he reached maturity, Hellboy chose good over evil and became an investigator for the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense, going up against werewolves, vampires and other strange monsters.

The film also stars Selma Blair as Liz Sherman, Hellboy’s love interest.

The Revolution Studios project arrives in theaters on April 2, 2004 from Columbia Pictures.

Well, it was put on the table a year ago, and it is now ready to go as the BBC reports.

Folks, the concept of swapping faces with another person in Face-Off was released as a flight of fancy within an action movie in 1997. Six years later, fun-loving scientists bring you the option of transplanting your face. Yup. No, serious. For very real.

So far, they say it’s only considered for the horribly disfigured, but at a time, so was plastic surgery. So if I have anything to say about it, I’ll be able to purchase a Brad Pitt mold at the store for 10 bucks. Very nice. There’s still hope.

You may want to keep this in mind, just in case you fancy yourself an omnipotent crimelord who’s constantly being harrassed by some supercop who’s stolen your face.

Well here’s something I wasn’t expecting to see today..

It’s the Trailer for Shrek 2 - Coming out this May.

Isn’t that wonderful? I’ll shut up so you can go watch it.

I have a new hero. Well, besides this guy.

That hero goes by the name of Jon Derevlany. He’s executive producer and writer of “Animal Jam” and who used to play my hero-of-days-gone-by: Crackers the Corporate Crime Fighting Chicken on Michael Moore’s “TV Nation”.

He was biting back about Studios griping about piracy, but then continues on about stealing his time. In today’s L.A. Times, he says this:

“Piracy is generally about the unauthorized taking or use of someone else’s property. I did not authorize anyone to show me these commercials. I did not authorize anyone to take my time and sell it to an advertiser. Nowhere in the theater that charges me $9.50 [Ed Note: or 13.50 where I live] for a ticket does it say my time and attention will be ‘pirated’ by these other corporate entities. I believe piracy works both ways…”

Yeah! You tell him cha-chi!.. Anyone wanna start a petition at www.petitiononline.com about this? That might be nice. Frankly, I’m sick of these commercials.. especially that movietickets.com commercial with the stupid family. While yer at it, read “Dude, Where’s My Country.” Like, whoa.

Okay, I gotta admit, this is a really awesome idea…

“Kino International” on December 26th (aka “Boxing Day” for those of you that own “Touques”). ‘Modern Times’, one of Charlie Chaplin’s bigger pictures, has been re-formatted for 35mm film screens and will be brought to a theatre near you…

This is easily the re-release I am most excited about - even just for the contrast of looking at what cinema USED to look like and how far it has come (or descended). Ah, a glimpse into the good ol’ days - this sucker is pre-WW2 - Directed by Chaplin himself and originally released in 1936.

Kino has posted the Modern Times’ trailer here on the apple site, which you should browse daily.

I really hope that this move gets a little “Chaplin” trend going, because the guy is rather cool, especially in high speed with funky piano tunes behind it. — And look at that, it’s even on the IMDB’s top 250 movies ever made list - at number 78. - And Number 78 is nothing to scoff at - 78 ranks higher than Braveheart, Sixth Sense, BladeRunner, Aliens, The Princess Bride and yes, Return of the Jedi.

In a world of film where classics find there way back to the big screen we are suddenly attacked with a cheap attempt to spurn those rug-rats into begging for the oldest new toy on the shelf. The original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie will be re-released with previously unseen footage in hopes to boost interest in the 3rd TV incarnation of the Ninja Turtles.

The most exciting re-release in celluloid history has been announced with the news that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is to hit cinemas again in time for Christmas. The pizza-munching, butt-kicking quartet of green, mean, fighting machines are heading back to the big screen on December 19 in the wake of renewed interest in their activities among ankle-biters everywhere. Most excitingly, just like all those 1970s Bruce Lee features, the new uncut version of the film includes a previously deleted scene in which the Turtles get busy with a set of numchukas. It is not known whether the rap classic Turtlepower! by Partners in Kryme will also be rereleased to coincide with the movie’s revival.

In my early comic book collecting days I happened upon a little circulated black and white graphic novel with violence warnings and mature content by Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird, and was partly amused and still shocked when a number of years later the TMNT Cartoon came out with surfer dude voices and hokey dimwitted villians. Strangely I became a fan of both, but the movies didn’t do much for me.

Seeing the toys on the shelf again brings back some nostalgia, but I didn’t think it would bring back a re-release of the movie.

For the record, they made 3 live action films, and God have mercy on us all if they re-release those as well.

You think I’m talking about “someone else”??, I’m actually talking about you. Yeah you, you smug prick — I’m trying to watch my movie, so maybe you should STOP BLOODY TALKING!!

You know that one-liner you bellowed out? The one you thought was funny?.. Yeah, the one you made during that slight pause in between the actor’s sentences so you could get the maximum distance out of your witty banter? — Yeah? Well, it was retarded. So’s your mom.

Or maybe you should face the fact that your girlfriend (boyfriend) is a complete moron, and you’re only with them because they wear those tight pants you saw in the Walmart catalogue you were humping earlier. — Maybe you should keep them at home chained to a rusty storm drain instead of bringing them to the theatre where you have to explain everything that happens like you’re teaching an English as a Second Language class.

And you know what else? Your gigantic, superficial laugh isn’t funny. You sound like a gasping deer that just got hit by a train. Your laughing won’t make us laugh, so quit thinking it will. Your laugh makes me wish you were dead. In fact, dead’s too nice - Your laugh makes me hope you get raped by a bull.

Twice.

And waiting until a “noisy part” so that everyone will only hear your broken sentence of “Cl….bl…..mp…dert… ma…..ruh…..” will only make you more surprised when I suddenly whip around and slit your throat with the nail clipper that other moron was using.

If you like talking so much, I’d recommend calling your grandmother if she hasn’t completely disowned you yet. Maybe your regular prostitute will listen to you - Hell, you even have to PAY for that — You paid for your movie ticket, didn’t you? Why break tradition? You pay, then sit and talk the whole time! And there wouldn’t even be anyone there to kill you this time - except for an angry wife/husband or the Clap, which I’d be fine with either way. Maybe you’d even get CRABS! — Although you’d likely share those details with your rent-a-friend during my next film, — So skip the prostitute — I’d recommend just plugging yourself in the head with a slug or two. That’d be Great.

Thanks.

This goes double for the Lonely guy bellowing one liners like “Beverage of Champions” during X-Men 2 at the Bay & Bloor Varsity and the stupid Woman watching Kill Bill Vol 1 at the Rainbow Market Square Cinemas.

Okay folks, I’ll clue people in with a small review first, then I’ll ask questions about it.

Elephant, directed by Mr. Good Will Hunting, is a slow, quiet and sutble film about a typical day full of typical kids at a typical high school in typical Oregon. Life is normal, spare a few ups and downs that make life interesting - then it all goes Suck.

- Eric & Alex take the fate of their schoolmates and some guns, mix ‘em together and , poof, Columbine. The film is shot very “matter-of-fact” like - as if the camera is just another student - or a static window that you are fortunate enough to peek through. As far as cinematography goes, it’s very similar to Gus Van Sant’s “Gerry” that you didn’t see last year. - Lots of scenes were held for a long time after dialogue finished before cutting to the next scene and other takes were simply very long: ie, running a number of minutes as we follow a student down the hallway and into classrooms - Some would find it “boring” - I found that it really gave a “typical - drawn out - nothing” day. I wished that the “static” shots were done more than they were - it really gave a solid sense that you were “spying” in on their day — people would dwindle in and out of the shot without the camera moving to follow - fascinating stuff.

I’m not too sure how I felt about the film as a whole - maybe I’ve seen too much of Hollywood, but I didn’t feel absolute archaic panic as I thought I would — everything maintained a “subtle disturbance” - as if somewhere, far away, there was something horribly wrong within the deep reaches of the universe.

Okay - Have some questions for those who have seen it:

***There are Spoilers written below this, so skip this chunk if you plan on seeing it**************** No really.

- How about this panic? Was it done well?.. Is it just me?
- Why did he make Eric and Alex gay? - Was he making a statement regarding the movie’s earlier conversation about what they “look” like? I’m not commenting on their being gay, but I don’t know why the movie was examining violence in today’s youth culture and then suddenly commented on homosexuality. Was it just for “character purposes”? The scene to me just stood out from the rest of the film as “not fitting quite right” - it was never hinted at or touched on again.
- On a lighter note, what was that game with the horrible graphics he was playing?
- Any theories on why he shot his own buddy?

***************************************************************************End Of Spoilers.****

Either way, it’s a very interesting film — although it certainly won’t blow wind up everyone’s skirt. I’m trying to decide if I loved it or if I’ll never watch it again.

What do you think is the greatest Trilogy of all time?
	Matrix
	The Godfather
	Star Wars
	Lord of the Rings
Free polls from Pollhost.com

To understand how much I’ve been anticipating The Matrix: Revolutions, you must first know that I’m one of the few people who thought that Reloaded was even better than the first Matrix flick. I thought it was intelligent, visually appealing and most importantly served up BIG helpings of kick ass. So, off to Revolutions I went expecting to see a fantastic film. Man was I let down.

When I first came out of the theater I said “ok, I’m disappointed, but the movie is ok”, but the more I thought about it in the car the more I realized the film was a total disaster. The Wachowski brothers did so much wrong with this film that they nearly ruined an un-ruinable franchise.

Christopher Null of Filmcritic.com nailed it right on the head when he said:

With their third (and hopefully, final) Matrix movie, the Wachowski brothers have delivered a dud so disappointing, they may as well have bussed in Ewoks to save Zion.

…the opening hour is consumed by endless scenes at Zion where we see the humans preparing for the imminent arrival of the sentinels, while Niobe (Jada Pinkett Smith) and the other out-there-in-the-pipes folks tries to get their ships jump-started. And of course everyone is whining endlessly about life, death, and love. This is, after all, their last chance to make a big speech before the end of the series. The dialogue is so bad that the audience was laughing its collective ass off in my screening.

The acting, the action, the sets√¢‚Ǩ¬¶ none of this will strike you as new. It’s more of the same Matrix world that we’ve come to expect, only this time out it’s dragged down completely by the force of two enormous egos that have somehow convinced themselves that people want to see a preachy-talkie movie instead of an old-fashioned action flick.

I agree with him totally. Several things that really bothered me about the film are:
1) Poor action compared to the first 2
2) NEVER really explain or try to explain why Neo has powers outside the Matrix
3) Stupid attempt at explaining why the Oracle looks different
4) Not enough Seraph
5) Not enough Smith
6) Not enough Merovinchian (I know I’m spelling that right)
7) Doesn’t even try to explain the Architect’s speech from Reloaded (making it pointless)
8) Stupid little girl

There are more, but you get the picture. I’m going to go drink heavily and try to purge that waste of 2 hours out of my mind and hold on to the first 2 Matrix films. What a shame. Feel free to disagree in the comments section below.

Well this should be interesting.

Okay, I won’t go into details of the problems I had with the American “Ring”, but it mostly had to do with a completely altered background story. (I didn’t say it was a BAD movie, I liked it, but I hated the revisions) The revisions were so heavy, that they need to completely re-write the Ring 2 as compared to the original Ring 2.

The newest news is who’s directing it. Which is, as far as you’re concerned - no one you’ve ever heard of: Noam Murro. Granted he’s won Directing awards for directing Nike and Saturn commercials, which has promise, but this will be his feature film debut. I’m still really confused why Hideo Nakata can’t direct this - or Dark Water. I mean, they were his babies overseas - which is where they got picked up in the first place.

Oh well, I hope for the stress level of this guy, that it works out for him. Go see Ring 2 when it comes out just to support him, won’t ya?

Make no mistake about it:

First, 2 Fast 2 Furious sold 2 million dvds in it’s opening weekend of public retail. (shame)
Then, The Lion King smashed those numbers a couple weeks later by selling 3 million.
Monsters Inc held the animated record by selling 5 million copies.
Spiderman sold 7 million.
And now, Finding Nemo strolls into the picture and instantly allows anyone involved with the film to take early retirement by LAMBASTING the old record and selling 8 million copies — IN ONE DAY.

Here’s the full report from MSNBC. Hate to ruin the surprise, but I know what a LOT of you are getting for Christmas.

Remember the Disaster Film? We haven’t had a real solid one of those in a while. Sure, you could say 28 Days Later carried lots of worldwide disaster, same with Reign of Fire (which sucked) — but the disaster in those flicks were the result of the focus - not the focus themselves. But “The Day After Tomorrow” is coming to put an end to the streak of survival and general happiness — via the rapid global shift into the 2nd Ice Age.

In recent memory, the film released at the peak of Disaster-Film-itis is Independence Day in all of its Cheesy Monologue glory. And wouldn’t ya know it? - The director, Roland Emmerich, wrote the story, the screenplay and also directed “The Day After Tomorrow”. — So, granted, that may not instill high hopes for story or plot (or recognition of any country other than the U.S.- A Memorial Day release even), but will almost guarantee enough destruction that would make Moses intimidated. Check out the Trailer to see the high levels of Plot-Substituting Carnage.

I must admit, I think the time-off from disaster films has been filled - because, as brainless as this will definately be, it sure looks delicious. Although Roland sure seems to have a fetish for destruction… and they always seem to conveniently destory landmarks like the White House or the Hollywood sign.

It’s only in a limited release at the moment - and I’m unclear of what it’s future billing is like, but Wonderland is pretty solid, despite a few shortcomings. Although only a few has Principal roles, the cast list is pretty impressive.

I probably won’t be buying the Criterion Collection DVD of it or anything, but it is one heavy piece of work. Giving you very little, if any, comic relief, you are dragged through the events and various stories from participants in the “Wonderland Murders” back in July 1981. The “Wonderland Murders” found four people beaten to death with a steel pipe. - They’ve never convicted anyone for the murders - so the movie does the best it can showing different sides, possibilites and “the most likely” stories of what happened.

I absolutely love the tag line for this show which is simply: “This Happened.”

Essentially, you get pulled through the dark side of the porn business, the drug business, alliances gone bad, backstabbing and interrogators that are just trying to get the honest facts. The “true story” anecdote of this movie really adds a serious bite to it. I could understand some not getting every dollar’s worth out of it, but the story does stick with you - I haven’t put my finger on as to why. Interesting to say the least - the zero comic relief really gives the movie a smothering effect.

At the time of this writing, the new full trailer for The Punisher has been Online for about 20 minutes — and it’s been kickin’ my a** for about 19 minutes.

Thomas Jane - (also known as “The guy everybody thinks might be Christopher Lambert”) looks like he might be doing one sweet job with this one. — John Travolta is finally playing a bad guy again. (That boy needs a hit movie like I need to get la… never mind). Or, Never mind the fact that Rebecca Romijn-Stamos is in it… or that tons of stuff gets blown up… repeatedly.

This trailer is also playing in front of The Matrix Revolutions on Wednesday, guaranteeing this movie will make more dollars than I have seconds in my life.

Mmmm Revenge is sweet - and looks so cool with Drowning Pool’s “Bodies” playing in the background… Check Out The Trailer Here before doing anything else stupid - like school work.

From MSNBC:

An enemy both to the machines and to the humans, Agent Smith is pursued by other agents, but as of “Reloaded,” he has the power to take any corporeal forms and turn it into a clone of himself. In the first scene in which we see Agent Smith in “Reloaded,” another agent recognizes him and gasps, “You!” Agent Smith dryly replies, “Yes, me.” He then jams his arm into the other agent, turning him into a second Agent Smith, which then drawls, “Me too.”

The dialogue may not be much on paper, but Weaving digs into the scene with such gusto — exaggerating every pause and consonant — that you can’t help laughing. Here he is, smack in the middle of this dull philosophy lecture, gnawing through the scenery like he’s William Shatner’s illegitimate son.

Agent Smith even gets a whole cheesy monologue about the way Neo “destroyed” him in the first “Matrix” movie — “I was compelled to stay, compelled to disobey. And now, here I stand because of you, Mr. Anderson,” and so forth — that’s straight out of “Star Trek”; all that’s missing is someone screaming “KHAN!” at the end of it.

I remember the first time I saw The Matrix I was totally amazed by the SMith character. I still think he is one of the most interesting screen villains of all time. And as the trilogy unfolds, it’s becoming more and more clear that the Matrix isn’t just about Neo… it’s about Neo and Smith. I can’t wait to see where it all leads.

If you like Alien, you’re about to add something to your Christmas list if you don’t piss yourself in the process.

Today, USA Today reported (click to read it) that on December 2nd (mark that day down), Alien, and all of its director cuts and sequels glory, will be released on a MASSIVE - 9 (that’s N-I-N-E) DVD Box set. Remember all those “extras” on the Lord of the Rings Extended DVDs?? Yeah? That’s nothing.. Alien will contain a root-growing 45 hours of Bonus Footage. 45!! Fourty-Five!!

It will also contain multiple movies:

-The Original
-The Director’s Cut, which you should go see in theatres right now.
-The Original Aliens
-A Director’s Cut (James Cameron) of Aliens
-Aliens 3 with a half hour more of stuff
-Aliens 4 with multiple openings and endings

If they put one movie on each DVD, that’s still 3 DVDs left for other stuff! - Now THAT’S what I call Bonus Features done properly. Overkill is always good if it means extra entertainment.

Well, I should’ve figured it was too good to be true, but sadly, Hideo Nakata (the smart guy behind the original “Ring” film), won’t be overseeing the remake of his following film “Dark Water” - I could’ve swore he was in line to do it.

The Director this time is Walter Salles - who has a fair amount of work in film - I’ve just never seen any of it. The glorious Labyrinth babe, Jennifer Connelly is in the line to play the “mother” role - so it at least seems we’ve got someone with a brain working back there somewhere.

“Sometime in 2005″ is the word so far - in the mean time, you’ve got lots of time to find yourself a copy of the original and watch it by yourself - alone - in a creaky apartment. Yes, very good, spooky stuff. Like everything else, you can buy it in Chinatown for real cheap. Don’t tell anyone I told you, cuz I don’t want the best kept secrets getting out. Go. See It. Get it. Good.

Okay, first off - The official website is now up at www.avp-movie.com.
**If the “AvP” webmaster is reading this, give me the option of Skipping your Flash intro.. DAH!!!** Two visits and I’ll hafta kill myself.

2) The new teaser is in fact, playing in front of the director’s cut of Alien..
3) Said teaser can now be seen on the website — and frankly — this can rarely be said for teasers, but I wouldn’t hold back anyone willing to re-edit the teaser so it would be about 8 seconds SHORTER.
4) The omniscient Mr. Beaks at Ain’t it Cool, has reviewed the entire script - his review is worth a read.. I don’t have high hopes for this one though…

Mind you a Predator already kicked Alien rumpus in Batman: Dead End .

And, this one is for real - anyone know of anywhere to GET a genuine Predator “costume”? No really. - Not a dinky “I made this out of styrofoam” thing, but one that looks like they just walked off the set… No, REALLY. Does anyone know? Seriously.

And again, even on the basis of looking so frickin cool, Predator would play slappies with an Alien like he was fanning down a hurricane. In my opinion anyway - which happens to always be right.

Hey Kids, I’m sure you don’t need me to tell some of you about this, but Sony released a new poster for Spiderman 2 a few days ago. No word yet on whether they’re giving me the lead role instead of that punk.

Click here to check out nice, sharp wallpaper sizes in all of their redness.